JOKE THREAD (feel free to add yours)

hubcap

hubcap

Grandmaster
PG-Rated


HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR.

Go to where polar bears are.
Find a nice place where they are on solid ice........and proceed to cut a large hole in the ice. Large enough for your polar bear.
Let that hole freeze over ever so slightly.............

I bet you didnt know, but, polar bears LOVE peas. So, what you do is, when you get a thin layer of ice over the newly carved hole, you place some peas out there.

And when the polar bear comes to take a pea? You kick him in the ice hole.









YOUR TURN
 
Desi

Desi

Grandmaster
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve your kind here." So the string strolls outside and ties himself and ruffles up his hair, then walks back in. "HEY aren't you the piece of string I just told to get out of here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
Premo

Premo

Journeyman
did you hear about the two kids from wisconsin?

they tied a brick to a rope and held it down onto a freeway from a bridge, they kept hitting cars and shit with it.

a giant semi came tho and they tried to hit it, but the force of the semi was too much and it ripped one of the boys arms off.

the semi driver got arrested for armed robbery

-tech

credits to @Irina
 
Evil Galad

Evil Galad

Novice
Darrel, Bob, and Dave are standing around at the West Bank in Britain, comparing their new armor. Bob is looking mighty nice in his full suit of Valorite plate armor. Dave is all dressed up in his Verite archer set, and Darrel is wearing his full suit of bone armor.

Soon, the three friends notice a pair of sexy legs sticking out from under a nearby bush. A gorgeous young female bard - apparently having been to a wild party the night before - is laying under the bush, totally naked! She seems to be asleep, and even standing up, the men can smell whiskey on her breath.

Well, these three fellows are gentlemen, of course, and don't feel right about leaving a woman laying around naked. Bob takes off his plate helm and places it over her right breast. Dave takes off his closed helm and places it over her left breast. Finally, Darrel takes off his bone helm and places it over the young woman's crotch. The three men then call the guards to deal with the young lady.

The guard arrives, notepad in hand, and commences to writing, muttering to himself. He lifts the plate helm, takes a look under it, and scribbles in his notepad, muttering to himself. Then he lifts up the closed helm and looks under it, scribbling in his pad all the while. When he lifts up the bone helm, however, he does a double-take and stares. After a moment, he replaces the helm, only to lift it up again and stare some more.

The three gentlemen are getting flustered, and when the guard lifts the bone helm up a THIRD time, Dave finally busts out and shouts: "Why the hell do you keep looking under there?!"

"I'm sorry," the guard replies. "That's the first time I've EVER looked under a bone helm and NOT seen an a$$hole!"
 
Evil Galad

Evil Galad

Novice
Here's one from my old site....

What is the difference between OSI and a two-bit hooker?
  • A two-bit hooker only goes down on you once per night
  • A two-bit hooker doesn't mind the use of 3rd-party products
  • A two-bit hooker doesn't care if you get up to use the bathroom
  • A two-bit hooker can do a job right the first time
  • A two-bit hooker doesn't care what you do all night, as long as you are paying for it
  • With a two-bit hooker, a little grass never gets in the way of your placement
  • A two-bit hooker will give you some kind of warning before she kicks you off
  • A two-bit hooker doesn't take 5 hours to get ready each morning
  • If a two-bit hooker is full of bugs, you can usually get a big discount
  • A two-bit hooker will ask you how you want to be screwed before she asks you to pay for it
  • With a two-bit hooker, no extra patches are required
  • With a two-bit hooker, she's the *****
How are a two-bit hooker and OSI the same?
  • Neither look as good a year later
  • Your wife gives you hell for playing with either of them
  • With both of them, it's the PiMpS that piss you off the most
  • With both of them, you end up playing mostly with teenagers
  • Neither are as good as you hoped they would be
  • Thousands have been on both of them
  • You keep coming back to both of them to get screwed
 
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